I'm taking a break for a while. It may be a couple of weeks or a couple of months. Probably not as long as the latter and just a little longer than the former. I have a lot that I want to say and I want it to be bold and honest and real. Right now I don't think I can accomplish all of those things and so rather than trying to force the words out, I want to just be silent for a while and just let everything that I'm feeling and the life experiences I'm going through to work themselves out. Better yet, I want God to work them out. Thanks for reading my incoherent ramblings these last couple of years or however long you've been around. Here's to hopin you'll still be around when I return.

Road trips for me are always both really exciting and really nerve-racking. I love the idea of getting out and going some place new and then I really hate the idea of not being home, the discomfort of not doing my usual routine or something similar, and not sleeping in my own bed. But I'm really excited to be headin down to Florida tonight, to experience part of Speedweeks for the first time in my life, and to be spending time with the Collinses and two generations of Gilliganses. We're renting a Caravan and we're leavin around 8 so we'll be riding in style during the quiet of the night. I can't wait to see how we all handle being tired, cranky, excited, and unescapably together for 9-10 hours. It'll definitely be an experience.

So I'm gone till Monday. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Perhaps you can tune into Fox this weekend and try to pick me out in the crowd. I'll be the one rooting for Junior.

In general, I have to admit that I'm a little opposed to the practice of getting in your car and driving somewhere else like, say, a park to go on a jog. (Given you don't live in downtown Detroit or something, I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who's lived in the South all of his life.) But the weather has been so amazing these last couple of days and it just seems wasteful to not head over to the park and run amongst the trees and still waters of a man-made lake. I could just as easily do what I normally do in the warm weather season, and run through nearby neighborhoods with their half-million dollar homes and beautifully manicured, yet barely alive in the dead of winter lawns. And I'd even be saving the environment some if I did. But, and I know this sounds selfish, what good is saving the environment if I don't actually enjoy it every once in a while? In an ideal world, I'd jog to the park, run on the trails and then jog back home, but I haven't quite built up the stamina for a 10 mile run just yet. So, Mother Nature, I know my inefficient little 4-cylinder suffocates and stifles you, but please forgive me for these brief moments of spring breeze bliss during your chilling winter months, and I promise you when I get job I'll buy a hybrid car.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Galatians 5:22-23

The singularity of the word fruit in that passage implies the natural unity of all of those qualities produced by the Holy Spirit. And when you allow the Spirit to produce its fruit, all of these qualities will be evident in you. Lately I've been wondering how evident it is to others that I am a Christian. And if so, how do they perceive my Christian life?

To the first question I think there are two ways that I would answer, depending on the audience: Before strangers, I would say I don't know how a stranger could possibly know that I'm a Christian. But then, is there something that we can do about that? Is there something we should do about that? Before people who know me, I would say that those closest to me know that I am a Christian, but then the answer to the second question becomes an important one. Because how those who know me perceive my Christian life is likely what will affect their view of Christianity and, more importantly, Jesus. Which is unfortunate, because the truth is none of us are perfect, Christian or non-Christian, and it is for this reason that we need Jesus in the first place.

I guess my real question is this: Is the fruit of the Spirit evident in me? And my answer is not everyday and not in every way. This week, I have asked God to help me out with self-control. Because getting angry over ticky-tac fouls on a basketball court is not showing self-restraint and totally isn't worth it. Because being frustrated by someone on the road who just wants you to not be in their way only affects you and those riding with you. And because, frankly, when you're out of control it just means that you're not surrendering control to God and not following the perfect example of Christ. Though I will never attain perfection, it is in these little steps, one by one, that I hope to grow spiritually.

I can't put in to words how awesome I think Google Maps is. Not sure if I'll ever use another service ever again.

Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.
Ephesians 5:14

It's Monday morning, and behind your eyelids the sky is blue, the sun is shining and the day is new. But you're sleeping, somewhat peacefully, and every abrupt sounding of the alarm is met with disdain and resistance as you reach over to tap the snooze button, declaring to no one but the world, "just give me a little bit longer, and I'll be ready". For many, this is how a typical day begins. But for me, this is how my journey begins.

I don't remember what year or month it was, but I remember the setting well. I was hangin out with some neighborhood friends in my driveway and they asked me if I knew that I was going to heaven. "Of course", I replied, with the self-doubt that consumes the person who is only certain of one thing and that is they have no idea how to answer the question that comes next. "How do you know?", they asked. I didn't. But they told me how to know, and I remember talking to God that night before I went to sleep. And I admitted to Him that I sinned, that I do sin, and then naively promised Him I would never sin again. I told Him that I recognized Jesus Christ as His Son, that I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and my only way to Heaven. God sounded the alarm and I woke up, but I wasn't ready to get up, so I hit the snooze bar and fell back asleep.

On January 23rd, 1998, my step-father woke me up to take a phone call. Step-fathers don't wake their teenage step-sons on Saturday mornings for phone calls. That is, unless the phone call is from your mother who is 300 miles away in Maryland visiting your sick grandmother. As I brought the phone to my ear, I knew who it was and the news that was going to break my heart. "Dustin, Grandma passed away last night." Within an hour, my step-father and I were packed and on the road. Five days later, after missing the funeral of his wife of more than 50 years, my grandfather passed away as well. I struggled with a lot of emotions that week. I felt guilty for not making the trip with my mother to visit my grandmother in the hospital; I felt confusion from my first experience with loss and death; I wondered what it must be like for my mother to lose her parents; I wondered what it would be like for me if I lost her or my dad. And I thought about God. I thought about the summers I had resisted going to church at my grandmother's urging, how she wanted so desperately for me to find God. And then, amazingly, the emotion that overwhelmed me the most that weekend was calm comfort. Words I heard Grandma and Pappy speak, words that sometimes they spoke to me and others that I overheard in conversation, played over and over in my mind. I remembered their acceptance of the gift of salvation and reconciliation, and I knew that they were at peace. That week brought me closer to God, and I began speaking with Him nightly, making requests, praising Him, thanking Him, receiving Him. I thought I had a relationship with God, I thought I was awake, but that was just the barely recognizable music in the background and it was disturbing the comfort of my sleep, so I reached up and hit the snooze bar begging for just a little more sleep.

Sometimes, when you absolutely have to get up for something, you ask someone to be your backup, to be your unsnoozable alarm. Or maybe when someone you know has to be up you call upon yourself or someone else to be their unsnoozable alarm. God does this too. He knows us so well, and He knows that we won't always receive Him immediately and because of that He places the right people in our lives, at just the right time to make sure we're awake. It's important to realize, though, that the decision to wake up, having the resolve to get up and move, has to be your own. Through the course of my first 22 years, I believed in God and even reached a point where I accepted Jesus as my personal Savior. But I refused to wake myself up for Our journey together. Instead, I allowed myself to sleepwalk through life, letting the people and things of this world guide me.

Through an important relationship in my life I was led to the church which I now attend and I remember initially feeling like this church was made just for me. It was the first time I had ever felt excited about going to church. I went for a few months off and on, learning more about God and the kind of life He wanted for me. But my stubborn, independent nature continued to keep me from pursuing a fully devoted relationship with Him. Then, in March 2002, the pastor graphically detailed the final hours of Jesus' life and I remember thinking to myself, "Dustin, you stupid stubborn mule, wake up and smell the coffee!". After hearing the details of the pain and suffering that Jesus endured with such courage and unconditional love, I finally woke up. I could no longer keep myself from this perfect Man who suffered beyond imagination for my imperfection. God moved me, He made my heart beat fast, He made it impossible for me to sleep a minute longer. I woke up and surrendered everything to this Man who gave so much for my undeserving soul, a Man who endured pain and heartache I never could, and fulfilled His promise to me knowing I would break my promises to Him daily.

And so my journey began.

to be continued ...

In what I thought to be a creative twist of words and pop culture I used to write, "Asleep at the wheel of unfortunate circumstance". Tonight, a new perspective leads me to revision "Asleep at the wheel of fortunate, undeserving grace but I never was the One steering anyway, now was I?"

I may be, but life surely isn't random.

Someone in my life has been having a hard time dealing with forgiveness, specifically, offering forgiveness to another. And so after several days of prayer regarding this matter, I was flipping through my Bible and somehow ended up in Colossians 3:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Colossians 3:12-13

There are countless reminders throughout the Bible that forgiveness is essential to our lives as Christians, both in how we receive salvation and how we reflect God's holiness to the world. But I'm especially fond of this verse because preceding his urging of forgiveness, Paul outlines the other qualities of holiness that complement forgiveness: "clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience."

I think it's easy to identify kindness and gentleness with forgiveness, but we often forget about the other traits. We forget that forgiveness requires compassion - that we are all God's children and that He loves each and every one of us the same. We forget that it requires humility - letting go of our pride and realizing that we are all sinners, that it is only by the grace of God that we are saved from our sins, and that redemption is for everyone. And finally we forget that it requires patience - the patience to come to God and allow Him to shape our heart and the patience to allow Him to work in the life of our transgressor.

If we ask God to work on us in all these areas, I think forgiveness becomes the easy part. And once we have committed the act of forgiveness, Paul offers the icing on the cake, "And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity" (Col 3:14).

I came across this from way back in my "upload pre-formatted text files" days of blogging and remember really liking it, at least back then. Some of the stuff is pretty dated and irrelevant, but I just thought I'd post it anyway. It'll be a part of my regular archives as soon as I get that working, but for now, here it is:

Originally posted October 28th, 2002 22:38

words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup they slither while they pass they slip away across the universe

that should be the theme song for everyone's weblog ... isn't that essentially what it is ... people who type too much, talk to much, care too much about what they say and give it to the world? i'm excluded from this generalization, of course, for my candor.

sorry for my absence to those of you who visit this page frequently and faithfully. been busy, still busy, hopefully won't be busy for much longer ... there are webpages to be made and updated.

carved a pumpkin this weekend. gave him a single tooth and hexagonal eyes. yes, i'm a geometry nerd. but then, where would we be without geometry. our bridges would be less stable, our rooftops would accumulate snow, stop signs would be boring, even harry potter's glasses would lose their individuality. anyway, point is, i did a horrible job of making the cuts, however, my partner (we'll call her beth for anonynomity) did a wonderful job and even succeeded in getting me to stick my hands in the pumpkin guts. muchos kudos to her.

the wolfpack won last thursday evening, demolitioning clemson. good job fellas, keep up the good work. our good friends at the airforce academy, however, suffered their second straight lost. they followed up their valliant effort against notre dame with a not-so-great performance. too bad, i was rootin for them. maybe johnny h. will share his thoughts with us soon. we're still waiting on his column.

speaking of columns, we may have a music columnist soon. got wind of someone interested in that job, and in case he hasn't heard from the go-between, he is hired, so start sendin em whenever you can! maybe it will spin-off into that elusive all-music page i've been trying to make ever since i started doing this. we'll see.

thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they tumble blindly as they make their way across the universe

the great travesty of this world is that people like lorna will uncover misunderstood musings of kelly rowland, but the people who deserve this will probably never read it. here it goes anyway:
to the people who stand where i will not, who stand in front of me and say 'you will be free', to the people who make it possible for my biggest worry in life to be whether or not i'll pass physics, who allow me to wake up in the morning to the sound of static instead of gunfire. to the people who leave their families to protect mine, who are brave enough to watch their sons, their daughters, their husbands, their wives walk away so that i don't have to. thank you. i am forever grateful to you.

limitless undying love which shines around me like a million suns it calls me on and on across the universe